Stop Petting Me!
by Tintalu
Summary: Well, my first fic so please be kind. Sirius has some hair issues, major hair issues. But you all knew he was cracked before right? -Complete!-
1. Chapter 1

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Stop Petting Me!!

Chapter 1 - "me - dog - woman - petting"  
  
Summary: My first fanfiction, just something that sprung from a long- standing inside joke. I guess this is pre-OoP and during GoF. Poor Sirius...

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It was a hot summer's day. Well, it was a hot May day afternoon. Also, it was a Hogsmeade weekend, so naturally, Harry, Hermione, and Ron were going to go visit Snuffles in his cave. Ron and Harry had "nicked" a bunch of food from the kitchens, and hid them in pocket-filled cloaks they had made. They were wating for Hermione down in the Common Room, trying not to look suspicious when Ron said:  
  
"Where's Hermione? She's not doing the bloody girly thing again is she? Like the Ball? I mean honestly, she needs to get up an hour earlier if she is."  
  
"Yeah. She said she just needed to 'get some things' for the trip. Lets go get her ok?" complained Harry.  
  
The two went to run up the girl's stairs, completely forgetting their last incident just as Hermione can flying down them. She ran smack into them just as the stairs turned to a slide sending them all down and landing with a thud at the bottom in a pile of people, food, and hygene products.  
  
"Oi! What's all this for?!?" demanded Ron.  
  
"Oh, just a few things for Sir-I mean Snuffles. You know, living in a cave can't be that – clean." She answered stiffly. "Lets just go ok?"  
  
The three gathered up their things and ran down the front stairs, just getting the last carriage to Hogsmeade. Once they were there they made the familiar journey up the hill and to the cave, slowed down by Hermione's extra packages. They greeted Buckbeak at the cave mouth, but Sirius was nowhere to be found. Deciding to just wait for him, they were about to sit down when a huge black down came barrelling in, looking very rumpled. A second later there was a very rumpled man.  
  
"What happened to you?!?" Harry questioned.  
  
"Me – dog – woman – petting" Siruis panted as he launched himself on the food they brought.  
  
"Oh Siruis, I uh, I brought some other things as well. You know, soap and stuff." Hermione said timidly.  
  
"Hey, thanks! I'm sure I must smell pretty bad by now" he said almost giggling with delight.  
  
Hermione began unpacking things from her over-sized purse and sorted through them, pulling out a very large looking brush while Sirius was still sifting through the food. Hermione walked over to Sirius slowly, and began attacking his hair with the brush. Sirius leaped off the floor and knocked the brush out of her hand.  
  
"Ahhhhhh!!! What do you think you're doing?? Get it aways from me. Stop touching my hair. STOP PETTING ME!!" Sirius yelled, his voice echoing off the walls.  
  
Hermione jumped away looking shocked, as did Harry and Ron. "But its so matted, so tangled, just let me-"  
  
"No! Nobody – touch – head – always – family – petting" Sirius gasped as he sat down, looking suspiciously at the brush Hermione was wielding like a weapon.  
  
"It's a long story," he said "just keep your hands away from my head..."

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A/N Well? I know, it's a weird beginning but bear with me, this needs to be introduced a little at a time. Please R&R, and tell me how I'm doing on my first fic.


	2. Chapter 2

**Stop Petting Me!  
  
Chapter 2 – The Family**  
  
Disclaimer: Oh my Goodness!! I forgot to put one of these on my last chappie, so this goes for chapter 1 as well ok? I don't own any characters of the Harry Potter franchise, JKR or Warner Brothers does. Nutty Uncle Hernando however is mine!!

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When I was a little kid, only six years old, my whole family would come to my house on weekends. That means aunts, uncles cousins...the whole crew. Always I'd try to hide in my room, but my mother would catch me every time. Then she'd drag me kicking and screaming down the stairs by my hair. I think she just wanted to get her hands on it. Everyone did. Nutty Uncle Hernando would walk into the house, and make a beeline straight for me (I resent the shine my hair had then). He'd never shake my hand or give me a hug, oh no...he had to ruffle my hair, nearly taking my head off in the process. I'd have whiplash for a week. Then there were my cousins – Bellatrix and Narcissa. The only thing I enjoyed about them coming over was seeing how jealous they were when they saw my jet-black head. Hehehehe. Of course, eventually they'd catch me, and fawn over my hair, not me. They would drag me into the guest room (notice my mother would never look for me then!) and do all sorts of terrible girly things to me...brush my hair, put it in crazy styles they thought were "cute". I still have nightmares about those weekends...  
  
And then my little brother Regulus was born. Great, another psycho to add to the wizarding gene pool. I swear I'm the black sheep of this family, or should I say "white sheep. So, I have a little brother, a little drool machine. But with shinier hair!! Finally, someone else to skive off the attention. Being in the family limelight really affects your outlook on things you know? Makes you very sarcastic...blasted overbearing family, always screeching about Durmstrang. I'm getting off track. I had a brother!! Sadly, I still had to enjoy two more wonderful years of head massage, but once Regulus was old enough to be manhandled, I was off the hook! I could just sit in the corner and suffer the attacks of Nutty Uncle Hernando and his stories about "the older days" and flying to school through thorn bushes and dragon pits against the wind both ways in his father's pyjamas. Just nod, smile, and slooowly back away. And then he'd continue talking to the cat. Then I could sneak up into my room, and ickle Regulus-kins. Would suffer. Mwahahaha!!  
  
This continued until he was five, and I got my letter to Hogwarts. Not Durmstrang, as my father like to remind me, but Hogwarts. Oh well, I'd meant Professor Dumbledore a few times before and he seemed like a pretty good man. So my parents threw a going-away party, with all my relatives. Uncle Hernando got a little tipsy, and thankfully was led away. So all in all, the party was the best of my life at that point. No whiplash, and only a little petting. And best of all – I was leaving! By the time I was eleven I hated my house, my parents kept sinking deeper into the Dark Arts, and I wanted no part, neither thankfully, did my little brother. But oh well, that didn't matter; I was getting out of there! I spent the whole day at Diagon Alley with Regulus, and ate so much ice cream I could've passed out. Just like Nutty Uncle Hernando. Ooo, I pray that's not genetic.

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Ok, I know this was short but my next chapter will be longer. Thanks to the 2 people who reviewed :D But like so many others, I could really use some suggestions, I've got the whole story planned out, but how can I improve on my writing? Please review!


	3. Chapter 3

Stop Petting Me!

Chapter 3 – Other people's hair and lighting it on fire  
  
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Disclaimer: Well duh, I don't own anything. Else I wouldn't be writing this on FANfiction.net except for the uncle, Hernando is mine!  
  
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Chapter Summary: Hmm, well, Sirius gets to school and is angered by other's hair. And he finds out about Remus' well, you know, craziness once a month.  
  
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So I finally found an empty train compartment, and was trying to fix my hair in the window, but to no avail. Uncle Hernando came with us to King's Cross Station, and absolutely had to say goodbye to me (yeah...that was it). Not too soon after, a boy with exceedingly messy hair came and sat down.  
  
"Looks like you've got my hair problem too eh?" he asked "I can' t fix this though, it just grows like this". The boy was rumpling his hair even more.  
  
"Nah, its usually not the opposite of your. It was my crazy uncle's fault, long story, don't ask" I added at the look on his face. So he already thought I was a nutter. Great.  
  
After a while, two more boys came in. One had sandy hair, he looked like he belonged on a beach for some strange reason. The other was a blonde too, but his hair was not quite as "summery" if you know what that means. As I'm telling you this, I realize how much my family has warped me...I mean honestly, I was criticizing other guys' hair by age eleven.  
  
About an hour into the train ride, we were all laughing and joking when yet another first year boy came in. I hated this one straight off the mark – his hair was so greasy it was practically making a puddle on the floor. And it was so tangled and unkempt it looked like he was the knot-tying demonstration at a Boy Scout meeting. I mean really, had he never heard of shampoo? Or at least a comb? Personal Hygiene 101 should have been one of his courses. That, and he was a git...so we kicked him out of our compartment.  
  
The year passed with no major hair-related incidents, except people pulling my hair in the halls and Peter lighting James's hair on fire during breakfast, and once during Charms while we were supposed to be unlocking boxes. We never figured that one out either.  
  
Then, halfway through our second year we discovered something interesting. Remus-of-the-beachy-hair was a werewolf and had been trying to hide it from us. Being the genius twelve-year old I was, my first thoughts were:  
  
"Great! He gets all furry once a month, maybe the psycho seventh-years will want to pet him instead!" And then I realized that convincing people to go pet a werewolf instead of me wasn't' exactly the greatest idea – actually it was a terrible, terrible idea that Remus has never let me live down. It definitely burst my bubble when I thought about it. So we all decided to become Animagi to help him out. I was hoping to become something scaly. If only I had started Divination I might have known what I was getting myself into at the time...  
  
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A/N: Just one more chapter and this pointless but entertaining(to me at least) dealy-ma- bobber is done. Eh, this chapter is kinda short I know, but the next one is longer, and involves sterios-taking little old ladies, or lady. Read and review please!


	4. Chapter 4

Stop Petting Me!

Chapter Four – Harry's second scar and a football playing old lady

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Disclaimer: I own nothing, I don't even think I have a wallet anymore. Suing me would be pointless...It would just cost you money. However I could pay you in cookies if you'd really like to sue me

Chapter Summary: Last chapter this is! Don't look so happy. Uh yeah, well, there's an old lady and Harry may develop another scar. Enjoy!

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You know, they say an Animgaus' from reflects and represents the person's personality. Lord I'm an idiot sometimes for the things I get myself into.

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Three years passed, Remus got his first grey hair, I happened to be the unlucky one to discover it. He thought I was just being a git and set his 'crazy-legs' hex on me which sent me dancing around the dormitory and caused me to rip the curtains off his bed and break a window before he could remember the counter-curse. Honestly, 'finite' is not that hard to remember, I think he just enjoyed watching me dance around like an idiot. Peter set James' hair on fire again in Astronomy which is another unsolved mystery of the world seeing as how we didn't even have our wands out. Well, he did always show pyromaniac tendencies.

And then, a dark, dark day for all humanity came. James bet me I couldn't go one month without using my patented puppy dog look on anyone or I had to shave my head. So he framed me in Transfiguration later on that week. He decided it would be funny to sit behind me, light a firework, and levetate it so that it looked like I threw it. McGonagall was so angry, it looked like death or the puppy-dog look for me. I chose the latter. I forgot about the bet and it worked, she let me off with 10 points from Gryffindor instead of killing me. The other three cornered me in the dormortory and shaved my head. The next day girls cried, and everyone wore black. Funny isn't it? My last name is black, my hair is black, and once it was gone, everyone wore black for two weeks. Well, more than they do anyways, it kind of hard not to with Hogwart's uniforms I suppose.  
  
Finally, in our fifth year, we did it. We developed our definite forms. I was first to do it (being the master of transfiguration that I was) and lo-and-behold. I was a dog. Not something scaly like I had hoped, but a huge, fuzzy DOG! Everyone likes to pet dogs, a lot. It caused me anguish, much mental anguish. James became a stag, lucky bugger. Girls think they're "pretty" and no one wants to touch it for fear of being gored by the humongous antlers. Peter was a rat...gross, no one in their right minds would want to touch one of those nasty things.  
  
(Ron glares at Sirius)  
  
All I could think to myself was "God, what possessed me to become a dog? I'm going to be a nutter for the rest of my life" The first full moon we planned went of without a hitch, as did many others after that, but in our sixth year we got too adventurous for our own good. We went closer to Hogsmeade than we ever had before. A little girl was playing in the snow one night as we were roaming and as soon as she lay eyes on me she tackled me into the snow and had me pinned for a full fifteen minutes, petting my ears with that creepy glazed over look on her face. I thought to myself was  
  
"When did little girls get so strong?? Why can I not get up? The snow is really cold you twit let me up!"  
  
And then she wanted to pet Remus-of-the-crazy-mind and so Peter bit her and we all ran.  
  
The last two years of school came and went far too quickly, as did Remus' grey hairs and the mysteries of Peter lighting James' hair on fire.  
  
And now, I wander the streets as a stray. Lovable of course so no one tries to get rid of me or attract too much attention, but all around annoyed at people. I can't go five minutes with out someone trying to call me over, I've learned well not to accept food bribes as they normally result in my being trapped in a house for a few days. Whatever happened to the saying "if you see a large strange dog, ignore it and maybe it wont eat you?" Now it seems to be more "if you see a large strange dog, tackle it and pull it's ears." Idiots...

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Ron, Harry, and Hermoine stared in silence as Sirius finished his "harrowing" tale, barley keeping the grins off their faces. Who knew he was such a nutter? Obviously being alone except for a Hippogriff would make you go a smidgen stir-crazy, but this was a long-lasting nuttiness. Maybe Snuffles should see a phsychiatrist.  
  
"Oh. H-how tragic for you" Hermione stuttered through her giggles. She was still sitting beside him, and as she reached for the brush Sirius has knocked to the ground he jumped like he had sat on something sharp.  
  
"After my tragic past! You still have the nerve to-to weild that monstrosity at me?!?" He cried, pointing at the brush in Hermione's hand. She jumped so badly she threw the brush into the air and it smacked into Harry's forehead with a resounding thud.  
  
"Oi! Are you trying to give me another scar?" he yelled. During this, Ron was sitting doubled-up on the floor, laughing like a maniac. Finally, he caught his breath long enough to speak.  
  
"You're all mental! All of you!"  
  
"Quiet you." Sirius snapped (clearly he was having a spaz day) "You should be getting back up to the castle, I'll come with you. Pet me and you'll have no fingers"  
  
A second later, the bear-dog was bounding out of the cave mouth. Hermione and the boys ran after him, leaving the food and hygiene products scattered across the floor. Just as they were leaving the last few buildings of Hogsmeade, a frail old woman popped out from behind a waste bin and football tackled Sirius into the alley across. Harry, Ron and Hermione took no notice.  
  
In the dark alley, the old woman had Sirius pinned with her cane. All he could think was...  
  
"My God! Does this woman take steroids?! No, stop it! Must get aw-hey, that feels nice. Ah! My foot is doing the thumping thing! Make it stop! Make it stop! STOP PETTING ME!"  
  
Poor Sirius...

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Well, thats it! The end of Sirius' hairy troubles. Thanks a bunch to everyone who reviewed. Actually, please review this chapter too and tell me what you though of it. I'm thinking of something like this for all four of the Marauders but I haven't thought of life traumas for them all yet...R&R please!! 


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